FIGHT, FLIGHT or FREEZE

Do you need clarification about your relationship? 

Should I stay, should I go, is it worth fighting for, is it over? I just don’t know…

If you are going through a rough time in your relationship, it can be a form of trauma and we often react in a few ways, some people go into fight mode and either want to fight with the person or the situation. Or you may want to run away because it may feel too difficult to deal with and some freeze, your mind goes blank, and you shut down. 

All of these are coping mechanisms our bodies use to protect us and when we lived in caves and the wilderness these may have saved our lives. But most of the time we are not in mortal danger just having a difficult time and these reactions will determine what and how you will deal with the situation.

I went through a divorce many years ago and can relate to experiencing all of the above. I didn't know what to do when I froze, couldn’t do anything, or felt the urge to run away. Sometimes it felt like the right thing to do was to get my claws out and attack everything in sight. 

When your relationship is not going as planned or life gets in the way you can look at it all and think is this worth it? Should I stay, do I fight or flee? 

Let’s look at our 3 main stress responses and ask the questions to see what the best will be to do in each situation. Sometimes taking time to step away from the emotion and calmly consider it all can make all the difference. We are emotional beings, which mostly serves us well, but let’s consider our situations and hopefully make better choices. 

Fight for the relationship, is it worth it?

We get into relationships for many reasons, and they influence why you would stay in a relationship or consider leaving. Answer the questions below and decide if you’re going to fight for your relationship.

Why are you in your current relationship? 

• You may be together because you have a duty to your family and feel that staying is expected and the right thing to do.
• Do you enjoy having someone in your life? 
• Do you feel that your time and emotional investment is worth keeping?
• You have both changed, your relationship seems to have dwindled into roommates, but you hope it can go back to being what it was years ago.
• You may be together for the sake of the kids. You are giving them a safe home and believe that this is for their good.

You may have your reasons for being together but ask yourself is this worth fighting for?

Here are some questions to consider:

Question 1 - Is this a permanent or temporary situation? 

Has there been a change in your relationship and is this the way it will always be or is this a phase that can pass?  

• Is this situation temporary? Are you willing to sort out the issues and move past them? 
• Is this situation permanent? Are you willing to accept this as the new normal and live with it?

Question 2 - Has something changed in your relationship and why?

Has your partner or something changed in some way causing you strife in your relationship?

Maybe there is a new job, a new baby, have they joined a new group or church, and have their focus changed? 

Question 3 - Has a third party entered your relationship?

This can be another person, hobby, or career change. 

• Is work taking more of your time and needs more focus time right now?
• Is there something causing you to lose touch and connection? 
• Have you had a baby, and this has changed your dynamic? Many parents find that when the family starts to grow, quality time with each other gets less and they may doubt the relationship.

“The extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a critical marker of the soundness of a relationship.” 

– Henry Cloud

Flight or Flee is a big move but sometimes necessary. 

I know, in my situation this was my only option. I packed up my belongings for myself and my baby in three hours and we fled. I was petrified and went to my family, this was traumatizing, and I was upset but looking back it was the best thing I ever did.  

If your life or the lives of those you love are in danger, then it may be time to leave.

Here are some questions to consider:

Question 1 - Are you or your loved one’s lives in danger? 

If so, LEAVE as soon as possible, contact family or friends, and move as quickly as possible. If you have nowhere to go find a woman's shelter in your area and either go, there or arrange that they come and collect you. Your health and well-being are more important than anything.

Here is a link to some advice if you need to leave your relationship:

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship in 6 Steps (verywellmind.com)

Question 2 - Will time apart give you perspective on your relationship? 

Your relationship may no longer serve your needs and getting some distance will give you time to think. Call a timeout and go live with someone or somewhere else (family or friends) till you can sort this out. This may not be the end of the relationship but a way for you to think about this calmly and clearly.

Freezing is your body’s way of processing shock. 

One of the biggest reasons for shock in a relationship is infidelity. Cheating is deeply damaging to your relationship or self-image. Am I not good enough? What is wrong with me? Is it something I did? All these questions will destroy your self-esteem and self-worth. 

I was cheated on so I know how deeply this can hurt and on how many levels it destroys.

If this is a situation you have to deal with, below are some questions you may want to consider in taking your next steps.

Question 1 - Is cheating something you and your partner can work through together?

Can you consider therapy and work through this together? Many couples overcome infidelity and have happy loving relationships afterwards. 

An affair may highlight needs that are not being met in the relationship and after doing the work the relationship can be stronger than ever and show the couple that they want to be together.

Question 2 - Has the affair stopped and is it over? 

If the affair is over, really over, can you work on your relationship and get past this? If the affair is not over, are you happy to allow this in your relationship and accept it as part of your life? Some couples enjoy open relationships and feel it makes them stronger. This is your personal preference.

If the answer is no, you can’t accept this and your partner refuses to end the affair, then you need to think about your needs, and it may be time to end the relationship.

Question 3 - In your heart can you forgive, trust, and move past this?

This is a big one and most likely the deal breaker. If you can forgive, move on, and trust your partner after the affair, then your relationship has a chance, and you can make it work. Healing and forgiving may require therapy and focusing on your issues. This will require hard work and dedication to the relationship from both of you. 

If you cannot forgive or trust again, it may be time to make some decisions. Be true to yourself and follow your heart. 

In my course Thrive Through Your Divorce we unpack all the decisions and considerations you will have to consider if breaking up or a divorce is the way to go for you. 

In 10 sessions we cover everything from:

Considering and if a divorce is a way for you, to work through all your emotions including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and forgiving yourself.

Here is your road map through your breakup, this will be your path to freedom.

No matter what you decide in your relationship, always remember that there are 2 people involved. You can’t fix it by yourself and if you commit your partner to work on this, then please go to therapy, talk about your issues, and enjoy a long and happy relationship together. My wish is never for couples to break up but to work through life together, grow as people, and enjoy the richness and blessing a healthy relationship can provide.

But if you realize that it is over but don’t know what to do from here then let me help you.

I have been through a divorce, experienced cheating, had death threats, and escaped but I am also happily remarried, and have a loving husband and children. Please visit my Facebook page and I will hold your hand as you make these life-changing decisions for your future.

Your current situation is not forever, and you can decide to have happy, healthy relationships.

Your friend

Karin